Friday, February 27, 2009

HA! right....

only after renting snowshoes do i check google maps to realize that i may not have enough time or gas money to actually GET to crater lake.

oh well. the adventure will proceed!

Thursday, February 26, 2009

ass, grass or gas

the upside of having a car i can 't afford is that when the tomfoolery associated with modern life in the big city gets to be too much i can drop everything and drive off.

so i am packing it up and heading south. i'm gonna surf a couple couches in portland, i'm going to see some family and i'm going to see crater lake. crater lake (for pete's sake) is on my to do list of life. i'm also enlisting craigslist to recuit random travelers to pay for the gas, at least through pdx.

if i play my cards right i might be lucky enough to become fodder for a black bear.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

flying too close to the sun

jonathan told me about the new defiance, ohio EP which i am TOTALLY stoked on.

but i'm even more stoked because all the proceeds benefit the icarus project which is where i found the most resonating blogpost i have ever read.

please enjoy.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

how to become a swinger (embarrassment therapy)

  1. secure ipod - make sure you have good headphones and a playlist with songs you know ALL the words to.

  2. find a good park - the ideal park will have really good swings but be in close proximity to houses. the point is people have to hear you so if it's frequented by walkers or other such types that's ok too.

  3. turn it up - i recommend full blast; that way you can't hear anything anyone might be saying about you, nor can you hear yourself.

  4. swing - like you just don't care.

  5. sing - like no one can hear you.

trust me when it's over you'll feel great and won't rightly give a fuck what anybody in the world thinks of you.

self esteem reclaimed you will approach the days with a grand sense of whimsy. nothing will bother you ever again.

guaranteed or my name isn't squiggles the salamander.

Monday, February 23, 2009


yesterday morning i woke up and stepped outside and plopped myself down on my front porch.

it was raining.

before long i noticed i was smiling.

i was smiling at the rain.

p.s. this guy is still looking for a home. PLEASE HELP!!!!!

Thursday, February 19, 2009


it's been widely rumored for decades that the 'natural' part of the 'natural and artificial flavors' found in dr. pepper is in fact....

(drum roll)

...prune juice.



my gut says go to portland.

my head says go home.

my heart smacks my head with every ounce of force it can muster and says "have you gone absolutely fucking batshit?"

Wednesday, February 18, 2009


today i wished for strength and happiness, as everything else is bullshit.

Monday, February 16, 2009

a non-event

i just saw this on the cnn homepage

to all my bitches (j/k please don't hit me):

i was lucky enough to spend saturday and sunday surrounded by intelligent, crafty, funny, beautiful, kind women. all of whom endulged my disgusting sense of humor, propensity for alcoholism and foul mouth.

so here's to mel, meghan, chelsea, iris, alicia, jenna, kelsey and anonymous for allowing me to be bitter without having to be lonely.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

whispering sweet nothings

sweet, originally uploaded by Flaming Pony.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

get to the fucking point already

no one likes being lied to. it has a way of making you feel dumb which is probably why trust forms the foundation of any meaningful social relationship. if you can't trust someone to tell you the truth then you're better off not knowing them at all. and rightfully so, for if someone is willing to lie to you about A then how do you know they didn't lie to you about B-Z

so imagine how i felt a few weeks ago when i found out that some of the closest members of my family had lied to me. the clues were all there and i honestly had kinda figured it out but i have,at times been prone to making wild assumptions, which i was trying to avoid, and reverted back to my scientific "unless its absolutely proven you can't really act upon it" mentality.

once it was blatantly laid out for me i was angry. but at that exact moment it wasn't really apropos to be angry so i contained it for a little while. later on that day i made a call to my sister. to my credit i kept my cool, even when my sister started raising her voice at me trying to defend herself and we ended the conversation with nothing really being resolved other than me calmly expressing my unhappiness with the situation.

to be fair it wasn't like they all got together and said "lets just lie to sean [my family calls me sean] if he happens to ask about ______". that is, there was no poorly lit parking garage where a group of willing actors met and entered into a red handed conspiracy. however, there was a certain amount of collusion and i did happen to inquire with certain family members about this situation which is when i was lied to.

further in the interest of fairness, everybody lies. but as a society we find it social acceptable to lie sometimes. lying to your boss about why you showed up two hours late to work with a black eye, lying to the cops about how many drinks you had, etc. its also more acceptable to tell lies to people you don't know (i.e. when the guitar player of the horribly shitty band you just saw asks you what you think and you say 'yeah it was good'). BUT certain people should respect and love you enough to tell you the truth no matter what. we humans are cute when it comes to justifying dishonesty. we say things like "well i didn't want to hurt your feelings" which is absolute crap. we lie to protect ourselves, not the recipient.

it just so happened that all of this happened at a major crossroads in my life. one where i needed to know that my family was my family and that they were behind me no matter what, even if we were separated by a great distance. which is probably why it stung so much, why i am currently hung up on it three weeks after the fact and why it is further fueling my general distrust of people which i thought i had made some serious progress on.

the point? don't lie. don't embellish. don't stretch the truth at least not to the people who mean the most to you. some short term grief might be saved by doing so but if you're found out it will only exacerbate the issue and the person will be that much angrier that not only did you do this shitty thing but you compounded said pain you were apparently trying to avoid inflicting by throwing an extra cherry of betrayal on top of the sunday just for good measure.

thank you. good night.

olfactory rape

if the fictional vagina of a wart-ridden, crusty, old, syphilitic, un-bathed hooker from a steinbeck novel (a la cannery row) could have an odor - it would smell like pyridine.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

new things

  • i got a new pair of glasses ....... now if i could just learn how to smile.
  • i got a new beard ...... now if i could just learn how to smile.
  • i got a new, wait - yup that's all my new stuff ...... now if i could just learn how to smile.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009


NEWSFLASH: if your predictions are only recognizable after the "predicted" event has occurred; they aren't really predictions.

Monday, February 9, 2009

shot across the bow

i know yesterday was only the 8th, but it's never too early to tell st. valentine to go fuck himself

i may be awesome but we fucking rule!

Sunday, February 8, 2009

william taft was...

...the only president to also serve as chief justice of the supreme court.

...the fattest american president ever.

...the last american president to have facial hair.

Friday, February 6, 2009

double edged bored

i know we're all patiently waiting for the summer to arrive. we're looking forward to reading in the park. we're eager to put a blanket down by the locks and watch the boats wander by. we're all biding our time bundled up in blankets for the time of the year where you feel stupid for having gone out in a hoodie, only to find how absolutely unnecessary it is and having to carry it around in our arms for the rest of the evening.

i've developed a very subtle depression. it's not a "f*** my life, i hate my existence and i want to die" kind of thing, but more of a "stop talking to me, we'll never actually be friends, i just want to go to sleep now" feeling. in short, i've become seattle. this crack in the armor came roughly three weeks ago when i used said municipality as an adjective. it's all been downhill from there. ever since i have spent most of my free time sleeping and to be quite honest, enjoying it immensely.

while all that was going on the weather took a turn for the better. after going 12 days without seeing the sun, and a near entire month without an actual 'sunny day' the weather suddenly decided to be nice. there's been some 50 degree days where some of us were happy just to go outside without a jacket. i didn't bite. i figured it was all just a big tease and that to un-hunker would be premature and possibly disappointing and of course i was correct.

while it is normal to pine for sunshine there is something to be said for the gloom. everybody wants a little light in their life. but some of us just plain love the darkness. and not just when it comes to weather. i mean, i've never really been into the whole 'goth' thing. at the risk of offending some I'll just go so far as to say that the whole damn scene always seemed fucking retarding to me. but with that said i do love the dark.

i'd rather hang around at night than during the day. when my body isn't writhing in agony from a lack of vitamin d, i do prefer a cloudy day to a sunny one. i'll take a dead baby joke over the best play on words. to me irony, cynicism and agony are far more valuable as far as entertainment and as motivation than any positive sentiment has ever been. maybe it's a function of my life experiences, maybe i listened to too many henry rollins spoken word albums at an impressionable age. i don't know.

what i do know is that when it rains i want it to rain harder. when a flood washes out a road i want it to wash out the concrete bridge instead. when a thin layer of frost blankets the eastside i long for snowpocalypse '09. everybody warned me about the weather here. they said 'it rains so much there, you're going to hate it'. they were kinda right but mostly wrong and in truth - i'm not really looking forward to the sunshine. this isn't a statement of despondency. nothing close to a cry for help.

this is a simple matter of preference. i, like everyone else, want to be happy. i'm just identifying more and more that i find my happiness in the morose. the more fucked something is the more likely i am to laugh at it. kinda like when grandpa drops the 'n' bomb and starts telling you why he voted for mccain or like a todd solandz movie. there's nothing wrong with me. what would be wrong would be to pretend that my darkside isn't engrained in the fiber of my being at the molecular level. some would say this viewpoint leads to misantropy. i think it's an affirmation of my humanity.

suck on it.

Thursday, February 5, 2009


the more i visit the sadder i become that i will most likely never have a chance to become a somali pirate.


Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Pony Satisfaction Survey

I have created a short survey to determine how I can be all the horse that I can be.

Please help by participating.

Thank You

homo=homogenized (aka whole)

Chelsea: So what kinda milk you wanna get Pony? Homo milk?

Pony: What the fuck? I have to stand outside with Obie?

Chelsea: Well yeah Pony, I have to go in and get my coffee.

Pony: You mean a vegan chocolate chip cookie? Don't lie to Pony. Seriously, don't lie to Pony.

Chelsea: Yeah fine, I want a fucking cookie Pony.

Pony: I do not want to stand outside with the dog.

Chelsea: Pony you're standing outside with Obie. It will take two minutes, you'll be fine. It's not even cold out.

Pony: No dude, seriously. I am not standing outside with Obie. Just tie him up outside.

Chelsea: I'm not tying my dog up outside. Just stand outside with him.

Pony: No!

Chelsea: Pony!

Pony: No! Seriously, I am not standing outside with your dog. It's fucking cold.

Chelsea: Whatever dude. I'm not tying him up. I'm not comfortable doing that. Do you see all these cars Pony? Every single one of these cars is a car that could hit Obie.

Pony: Chelsea Keene, these cars are parked. None of them are going to hit Obie.

Chelsea: Dude, just fucking stand outside. I'll buy your fucking homo milk.

Pony: No! Everyone ties up their dog Chelsea, just tie him up right here.

Chelsea: Hell fucking no! I'm not doing it. Please, would you just stand here with him?

Pony: What if he poops?!

Chelsea: He's not gonna poop Pony. I'll give you a bag.

Pony: Let's just take Obie back home and we'll come back here and buy homo milk.

Chelsea: So great, the whole "milk and cookie" experience is over?!

Pony: It was going to be a "milk" and "cookie" experience. There was no "milk and cookie experience."

Monday, February 2, 2009

awwww crap

january was a pretty prolific month at crappy paint art.

hopefully february will be more so.

so get your ass over there and check out the latest stuff.

and leave a comment.

i like comments.

this weekend i...

...spent my drinking money on an oil change and a new cabin air filter. felt responsible - a little too responsible.

...set up an organic veggie taco bar complete with homemade guacamole. the food coma caused me to fall asleep around 11 which everyone took as a cue to leave. sorry everyone.

...didn't get out of bed until 5:30 on sunday. i mean i ate and peed and stuff but i just kept going back to sleep. kinda made me feel tired.

... checked my reader on sunday night while laying in bed and thinking about empire strikes back. as a result it felt like no one was waiting to greet me at work on monday.