Friday, January 30, 2009

and with that i'd like to announce my candidacy for asshole of the year

as if the last post wasn't bad enough, i've also spent most of the day, scratch that, most of the last 6 months at odds with a deaf guy.

i'm totally going to hell.

wishing doom upon the disabled

i had a dream #3 found my myspace page and left me a comment. this was somewhat frightening since i don't usually remember my dreams. the comment was something to the effect of "i didn't know you had a blog".

i'm pretty sure her passive-aggressive ass ratted me out for having the colonel. now i'm sitting here wondering if i have to give my cat away because of her childish inability to speak to someone with a penis. i already apologized once this week for having a y chromosome; i'm not doing it again.

so in the name of releasing a bit of roommate tension, here is my open letter to #3:

i'm sorry you have male issues #3 but that isn't my problem. just because the colonel didn't want to sleep with you isn't reason to try to take him away from me. i mean, none of my friends want to sleep with you, are you going to complain to the landlord about them too? hell, none of your friends want to sleep with you...what are you going to do about that? huh? i know that wishing you would die is like hoping that a person with developmental issues fails a reading test, but i can't help it.

i know words like 'die' and 'kill' are thrown around quite a bit these days, but really, you suck and i hope you keel over. i hope your nightly binge on yellowtail and diet coke leads to acute cirrhosis or better yet a massive brain aneurysm.

just please don't have it in the house because i don't want you to expect sympathy from me in one of those 'we-never-liked-each-other-but-i-held-her-ever-so-gently-as-she-died-in-my-arms' kind of moments. i's bad enough that i have to feel like crap for hating you in the first place, please don't make me feel like a monster for not comforting you in your last seconds.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

no mods, no gasters

why isn't anyone blogging today?

i know everyone tries to avoid blogorrhea but my reader is empty, i'm bored and quite frankly it makes me feel lonely.

if dinosaur comics and xkcd can both manage to put something up today why can't you?

here's to this guy. not only did he buy me an amebix ticket for xmas but he was more than gracious when he handed me a high life and i misread the intent of said handoff, drinking the whole thing.

here's to this lady. we'll be running a 5K next sunday under the moniker "team emotionally unavailable". Being that no one has EVER come out to support us and that we're really going for the gusto this time: it'd be nice if someone would come out and do a little cheer for us.

Monday, January 26, 2009

getting drunk at work

yeah. it's true. but before you freak out know a couple things:
  • it was a company sponsored party
  • i'm technically not allowed to do any work for the rest of the day on account of the fact that they gave me booze.
  • i only drank 3 beers but i drank them really fast so i'm not really drunk but i have a decent buzz
  • i rode the bus in today

in my previous occupational experience i never would have considered being so irresponsible. but i work for _____ and they treat people like shit. matter of fact they are widely known for treating people like shit which is why most of the people i work with are, in fact, getting drunk right now and wasting the last 2 hours of their day despite having already taken a 105 minute lunch break. this has lead me to develop a new slogan for _____'s HR department -

_____: because let's face it - there's no where else for you to work.

dreaming of endor

i watched return of the jedi last night for the 104th time in my life.

the yearning to be an ewok only intensifies.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

have saddle, will travel

my heart is set on leaving. i'm fighting the temptation to start applying for jobs. there are opportunities in places i want to be but the truth is i'm not ready to leave from a financial standpoint. the other issue is that i wouldn't feel right missing summer in seattle.

it's not so much that i want to leave as much as it that i feel like moving on, trying something else. this is a beautiful place, full of action, culture and no shortage of good people looking to have a good time. but it is also a lonely place, where everyone seems hung up on something that stops them from being happy, myself included

it occurred to me this morning that i'm creeping up on 8 months here. i really do love it here but i want to go before i get that 'second winter' funk that seems to cramp everyones opinion of this place.

if i could i would pack up the car and just drift from place to place. but that isn't in the cards for me. in the alternative perhaps i will just move from city to city until i feel ready to grow roots. because i don't.

seattle has taught me more about myself that i could have ever wanted to know. it's shown me my strengths while shining a great big spotlight on my weaknesses. i wouldn't trade this experience for anything. ANYTHING.

but i am horrified by the idea of having any sense of permanence. maybe this is just some fleeting feeling. maybe i'll be here forever. i don't know. what i do know is that i don't want to sign a lease. i don't want to go to grad school. i don't want to do anything that would stand in the way of me one day dropping everything and heading off somewhere.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

are we dead yet?

C: "Sex is an important part of a relationship, right Pony?"
P: "I wanna die"
C: "(censored sex related relationship talk between roommates)...god I want to die"
P: "Can we just die? We won't have to think about moving or relationships..."
C: "...Won't have to pay off our credit cards"
P: "Right! I'm not saying we should kill ourselves, what I'm saying is...let's just die.
Ready?......1, 2, 3 EH! (hand gesture). 1, 2, 3, EH (hand gesture). Why isn't this working?"
(Laughing, Pause)
C: "1, 2, 3 GO!"
C: "Are we dead yet?......This doesn't feel right. This doesn't feel like I'm dead. This feels horrible - like I'm still alive"


i spent the better part of yesterday wanting to cry. the overwhelming burden of hoping for anything was too much to bear. i was tempted to turn my back on every chance of anything ever being good for me ever again.

this morning i almost cried again when i watched a black man assume the presidency and talk about hope in a way that finally made sense. it's never easy to believe that things will be better, especially when you do nothing to make it happen for yourself.

but today i am willing to face the things i've run from in my life. i am ready to believe. i am ready to stop being afraid and start taking care of business.

a bum once screamed at me: "papa obama gonna take care of you", thus proving that there are situations where only someone who is batshit crazy is capable of making any sense.

Monday, January 19, 2009

p.s. i'm running a marathon

off the list as of 6/27/09.

after that i never want to run again.


after a near entire month of cloudy weather, and only seeing the sun twice in two weeks the sun decided to buck the trend and come out in all its force yesterday.

the result was sunday sun-day. i slept until 1:30 not wanting to go outside for a gross fear that sunlight would actually sting, which it kinda did. eventually i went out for a small sunlight adventure. i felt an odd compulsion to smile uncontrollably and it made me sick a little bit.

i got over it.

i can see ranier from the cube today. i don't know how to feel. it's almost like a tease. i know i should just enjoy it for what it is and believe me i will. but should i be ecstatic about two days of sunshine? i think not

here's to looking a gift horse in the mouth.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

hydrogen and humiliation

on tuesday i asked the people in my vicinity of cubeland: "when was the last time somebody saw the sun?"

someone said something about it being sunny the day before (which i missed) but i said "no when was the last time you SAW THE SUN?"

no one had an answer.

then the next morning i saw it on the drive in, coming up over the cascades. that was it. i've begun to keep track. i've seen it twice so far this year.

people wear weathering a winter here like a badge of courage. i'm slowly starting to get it.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

if my life was a very long series of very bad movies:

the most recent sequel would be titled:

"misanthropy part 472: return to forest of no feelings, once again ... ^sigh^"

(not sure who to credit for the whole 'forest of no feelings' thing, i know alicia's said it but so has anonymous. either way it ain't mine.)

Monday, January 12, 2009

2nd best argument ever

chelsea: pony, you're gonna walk on my back now.
pony: fine. whatever. but you need to put your arms at your side.
chelsea: ok....actually pony i'm gonna put my arms up here. that's what i always do.
pony: you have to have your arms at your sides or you don't relax the back muscles. i'm not gonna break your back.
chelsea: pony, just fucking walk on my back already.
pony: fine
chelsea: ok, do it here.
pony: (stands on chelsea's back and shimmys) there
chelsea: ok now a little higher
pony: (stands and shmmys again) ok. that's it.
chelsea: ok now just a little higher. there's a spot right here.
pony: dude, i am not standing on your fucking spine!
chelsea: pony!
pony: you want me to paralyze you?
chelsea: just one more time pony. right there.
pony: (stands and shimmys reluctantly) ok...i'm fucking done!
chelsea: ok now see if you can get just a little bit higher. just one more time.
pony: NO! dude! you can't just keep saying 'one more time'!
chelsea: what i need is a child.
pony: what you need is a small japanese woman whose job it is to stand on your back all day.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

my ding-a-ling

when i'm in public and i realize my zipper is down i look around real quick to see if anyone has seen my junk. once established that no one has in fact seen my hey-hey, i zip up without shame.

i know.
worst post ever.

Friday, January 9, 2009

damn you portland!

who do you think you are? stranding my entertainment like that. feel fucking lucky that i don't want to wade down there....

your mom is a pipe bomb

tonight shall be magical.

got that night? be magical or else.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

good ol' irish guilt

  • my boss has a habit of telling her employees how rad they are, myself included. i have yet to gather the heart to tell her how wrong she really is.

  • i steal cigarettes from #3 and use her face wash. i do so with great spite and righteousness.

  • i've lost the angsty edge which drove me to drink excessively and get verbally punchy. i feel like ive gone soft and am disappointing my friends.

  • i've never cheated frenchy or anonymous while playing risk. i hate myself for it.

  • the colonel is lonely and i need to clean his litter box. i'll probably just throw it all away and start over. in my defense he really does poop a lot and is quite needy.

  • when the company i worked for instituted a no-smoking policy, they probably thought they would increase my productivity or that i would eventually quit smoking. instead i just take much longer breaks.

  • i fall asleep in meetings. actually i fall asleep in EVERY meeting.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

just when you thought you had enough porn

larry flynt comes along to tell you how repressed you are...

get behind me

if i said what i was thinking, even if i did so tongue-in-cheek most people would take it more seriously than it should be taken. but if i don't than it'll bother me to no end. some days i just want to delete this damn thing. spend my time making horrible drawings in paint with sardonic captions that only a handful of malcontents actually appreciate and even fewer truly understand.

sometimes i just want to drive my car into a guard rail. then i remember i'm behind on my insurance payments.

Monday, January 5, 2009

this one's for you chowderhead

  • bullshit
  • bullshit
  • bullshit
  • self-deprecation
  • bullshit
  • wild exaggeration
  • bullshit
  • bullshit
  • story about some ridiculous thing i did, mainly for the sake of being able to blog about it
  • bullshit

eh? eh? eh?

daily affirmation of snobbery

why is it that 'masculine' is not listed in the 'mood' section of myspace status messages? if 'horny' can be listed as an option why didn't anyone over at viacom forsee the fact that i might one day feel secure, perhaps even joyous at the fact that i have testicles?

i've also become way too good for bigelow, but too poor to bring my own tea to work. ohhh the dilemma...

Friday, January 2, 2009

ungrateful bastard

i know that living in seattle means i'm supposed to revel in the fact that the sun is out and just be thankful for the fact that i might have some slight relief from my vitamin d deficiency. but as a seattlite i have to be surly and bitter about everything and therefore i am just annoyed by the brightness of the fucking thing.

in other news its possible that the massive volcano that is yellowstone national park will have a super-eruption thereby seriously threatening the planets ability to support life by blocking out the sun for a long period of time - resulting in: global cooling, massive crop failures and everyone being as unhappy as everyone in the northwest.

just kidding. well....kinda

Happy new year

Epic, originally uploaded by The Tiefling™.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

on the bus

"aint spose' have that guacamole no more"
"why's that?"
"I dunno"