i know we're all patiently waiting for the summer to arrive. we're looking forward to reading in the park. we're eager to put a blanket down by the locks and watch the boats wander by. we're all biding our time bundled up in blankets for the time of the year where you feel stupid for having gone out in a hoodie, only to find how absolutely unnecessary it is and having to carry it around in our arms for the rest of the evening.
i've developed a very subtle depression. it's not a "f*** my life, i hate my existence and i want to die" kind of thing, but more of a "stop talking to me, we'll never actually be friends, i just want to go to sleep now" feeling. in short, i've become seattle. this crack in the armor came roughly three weeks ago when i used said municipality as an adjective. it's all been downhill from there. ever since i have spent most of my free time sleeping and to be quite honest, enjoying it immensely.
while all that was going on the weather took a turn for the better. after going 12 days without seeing the sun, and a near entire month without an actual 'sunny day' the weather suddenly decided to be nice. there's been some 50 degree days where some of us were happy just to go outside without a jacket. i didn't bite. i figured it was all just a big tease and that to un-hunker would be premature and possibly disappointing and of course i was correct.
while it is normal to pine for sunshine there is something to be said for the gloom. everybody wants a little light in their life. but some of us just plain love the darkness. and not just when it comes to weather. i mean, i've never really been into the whole 'goth' thing. at the risk of offending some I'll just go so far as to say that the whole damn scene always seemed fucking retarding to me. but with that said i do love the dark.
i'd rather hang around at night than during the day. when my body isn't writhing in agony from a lack of vitamin d, i do prefer a cloudy day to a sunny one. i'll take a dead baby joke over the best play on words. to me irony, cynicism and agony are far more valuable as far as entertainment and as motivation than any positive sentiment has ever been. maybe it's a function of my life experiences, maybe i listened to too many henry rollins spoken word albums at an impressionable age. i don't know.
what i do know is that when it rains i want it to rain harder. when a flood washes out a road i want it to wash out the concrete bridge instead. when a thin layer of frost blankets the eastside i long for snowpocalypse '09. everybody warned me about the weather here. they said 'it rains so much there, you're going to hate it'. they were kinda right but mostly wrong and in truth - i'm not really looking forward to the sunshine. this isn't a statement of despondency. nothing close to a cry for help.
this is a simple matter of preference. i, like everyone else, want to be happy. i'm just identifying more and more that i find my happiness in the morose. the more fucked something is the more likely i am to laugh at it. kinda like when grandpa drops the 'n' bomb and starts telling you why he voted for mccain or like a todd solandz movie. there's nothing wrong with me. what would be wrong would be to pretend that my darkside isn't engrained in the fiber of my being at the molecular level. some would say this viewpoint leads to misantropy. i think it's an affirmation of my humanity.
suck on it.
