Tuesday, December 30, 2008

two thousand ate me alive

it's pretty much a universally accepted fact that 2008 was a terrible year. politically and financially everything pretty much went to pot. pretty much the same on a personal level. while it is ending on an uptick, there is quite a bit to be said for rolling that clock past midnight this year.

it was a year of severe challenges, upheaval, dry heaving, self-loathing and self-destruction. 2008 was the year of 'do whatever the fuck you want and tell the consequences to bite me' which as it turns out wasn't necessarily the best strategy as the consequences did exactly that. it was a year of taking a sledgehammer to everything in the hopes of building something better but not really getting around to the construction phase.

'08 started out with me standing in the baxter cafeteria watching a ball drop while preparing for a 14 hour session of viable air sample collection, standing more or less alone in a near sterile room watching the time tick away on a counter. that should have been an omen, or at least should have been a clue to the tone for the year. for indeed this year felt like it took a lot of work to survive.

i don't know where i'll be when the ball drops but i know i'll be laughing with people who love me. and in the morning alicia and i are going to run 3 miles, jump in an ice cold lake and run the remaining .2 miles. it's called the resolution run and it seems like a good way to get ohhhhh nine going. from there my only resolutions for the year are don't eat meat, don't drink hard alcohol and don't forget to live.

Monday, December 29, 2008

chronic indigestion (aka life)

  • i used to have chronic stomach issues. not so much anymore. however while in cali i had a relapse. i don't know if its my family, the way they eat or so cal in general that brings it on but yeah...
  • every year EVERY DAMN YEAR my mother insists on buying me and my brother in law matching all cotton boxers, typically containing some kind of cartoon character or other pop culture icon. more than once it has been scooby doo the most egregious of which had scooby's face jumping out of my package with his ass end appearing to be rammed up mine. this year it was the grinch on the front with large yellow eyes on the ass. the implication being i have eyes on my butt??? wtf?
  • every year EVERY DAMN YEAR i tell my mother "do not buy me clothes, you haven't bought me anything i actually wanted to wear since the early 90's! i love you mom, but please don't do this!" she never listens.
  • when i left town the city was blanketed in snow and ice. it's hard to look at it the same way now that it's gone.
  • although this is the best forum for spreading lies and innuendo, it isn't the best forum for relating certain very exciting news. but i am excited and am grudgingly growing accustomed to the use of emoticons in the milieu of text messaging.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

please verify that I am have

note to self:

proofread your damn emails!!!


personal and professional growth part II: fuck it's cold in here

Sean Carl/ESZS... good morning sunshine
CW/S... good morning hot cakes
Sean Carl/ESZ... youre so sweet when you talk to me like that
CW/... only for those who deserve it
Sean Carl/ESZ... you make it in yesterday?
CW/S... I probably could've but decided not to
CW/... by your question it sounds like you didn't
Sean Carl/ESZ... oh hell no
Sean Carl/ESZ... i barely made it here today
Sean Carl/ESZ... i'm surprised i'm not dead
CW/... I'm glad your not dead
CW/... that's right, you're from Cali
CW/... rain causes driving issues for you guys
CW/... that was mean spirited
CW/... I take that back
CW/... it causes driving issues for people here too
Sean Carl/ESZ... i was going to say....like seattlites know how to drive in this crap
CW/... that's cause they're all Californians transplanted here
CW/... dangit!
CW/... there I go again
CW/... I take that back too
Sean Carl/ESZ... you shouldnt
Sean Carl/ESZ... its true
Sean Carl/ESZ... because anyone who grew up here who is halfway sane left long ago
Sean Carl/ESZ... ooops
Sean Carl/ESZ... sorry
Sean Carl/ESZ... ....there I go....
CW/... but still... like most people here I'd rather you think I was your friend while I talk behind your back
Sean Carl/ESZ... "seattle....a place where everyone is friendly but nobody wants to be your friend"
CW/... *ding*ding*ding*
CW/... tell 'im what he's won Johnny!
Sean Carl/ESZ... rainbow #2?
CW/... hmm... that one's over my hea
CW/... d
Sean Carl/ESZ... it refers back to a snide conversation we once had about happiness spray and rainbows
CW/... my memory isn't that good anymore. Too many whipped cream cans
Sean Carl/ESZ... i heard you moved on to paint thinner....
CW/S... nah too harsh
CW/... gold spray paint
Sean Carl/ESZ... that way you can be braindead AND fabulous?
CW/... exactly!

Friday, December 19, 2008

that tingling sensation means you won't lose your toes

Snow week, 2008!, originally uploaded by mattoly.

yesterday was my very first snow day ever. i actually wound up getting paid to spend the day futzing around downtown and cap hill. i also learned a new math equation

converse + snow = ow

an amazing day all around.

not even trying today

Tuesday, December 16, 2008



in life, there's nothing wrong with grasping at straws - provided they are redvine straws that you've bitten the ends off of that have gotten all hard from being in the cold soda.

Monday, December 15, 2008

los campesinos!

seriously - best band ever. they sound like a whimsical, circusesqe trip through an emotional hell. the lyrics are sharp, whitty and manage to succeed at making you actually sting without making physical contact, thereby exacting songs that leave you with a bitterly hopeful outlook. examples:

- "Oh, we kid ourselves, there's future in the fucking. But there is no fucking future"
- "Think it's fair to say that I chose hopelessness And inflicted it on the rest of us. But at least I came to terms with my own mortality"
- "When you play pass the parcel with human bodyparts, Somebody might get head but someone will get hurt"
- "And it's your party but I'll die if I want to, die if I want to"
- "This is how you spell 'HAHAHA, I've destroyed the hopes and the dreams of a generation of faux-romantics'."

Friday, December 12, 2008

look a gift pony in the mouth

recently, i've come to appreciate the things that i do have up here in seattle. i have a job, a room and a great group of friends with whom i share a great deal mutual love and respect. but really - what do i have to do to get a little juvenile around here? i'm really into the idea of a bunch of skinny capital hill type girls trying to "back that thang up". not so much for the titilation, it's just one of those things i'd like to see before i die.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

why not to take mushrooms - part 24

for two weeks afterward you'll be walking to the bus stop with your eyes closed repeatedly listening to the same 30 second sequence of that explosions in the sky song trying to recreate the visual when the cosmic crustacean armada launched it's attack while simultaneously developing a deep-rooted, overwhelming fear of lobsters and alaskan king crab.

chiggity check yo self

new stuff up at crappy paint art.

go nuts...

Monday, December 8, 2008

it's pronounced 'chowdaaa'

  • why yes. that is a shiny new tattoo. thanks for asking. if you're wondering - it's not that i'm wicked and jenna's sweet but rather it should be read like the phrase "wicked sweet". (as in wicked awesome, wicked pissa, wicked chowda etc.) either way i know i can always make my way in boston if need be, assuming i'm let out of the implied contract that requires me to constantly be within 50 feet of my sister tattoo.
  • my tattoo artist was beautiful. i had to feign discomfort with having her boob repeatedly placed against my arm.
  • some kid is going to love his iron man action set "with massive clip on arsenal".
  • saturday spontaneously happened to revolve around punk rock
  • urban craft uprising - lots of awesome homemade crafts. really wanted the hand-spun yarn but couldn't afford it. found out about yarnia. as alicia pointed out, the estogen in the air was so thick it could actually be tasted. there was like a sweet, screeching, high pitched chorus of "ohhhh my god"s, "that's sooo cute"s and "i just loooove that"s. spent $24 on the vast majority of my xmas shopping.
  • punk rock flea market - slightly cooler than UCU, significantly cheaper, though exceptionally smaller. finished my xmas shopping for another $1 which i used to buy my cousin the best present i've probably ever given.
  • punk rock donuts - soooo freakin tasty, and warm!!!!
  • punk rock documentary night - another state of mind, pbr, burritos and the winking circle (which is NOT a porn).
  • making great strides in completing my 2X2 rib scarf. i hope somebody likes green acrylic.
  • i actually went grocery shopping for the first time in weeks. how i survived this long without doing so is a mystery.
  • i watched screen door jesus which sucked and a dirty shame which didn't.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

better yet...

i get two circles tattooed on the back of my elbow. that way i could say

"these are my balls, and this is my weenis"

debating the merits of having a neck tattoo

toys for tats on sunday. i have no idea where to put it much less what to get but considering that i have to pick it off the flash wall there probably isn't a lot of forethought that really can go into it. here is what i am considering as potential possibilities:

  • my butt - that way i would get to moon everyone in the shop.
  • back of my neck - isn't that kinda gay?
  • forearm - not sure how i feel about visible tattoos.
  • right arm - it's pretty barren but a $60 tattoo isn't gonna do much there and i was kinda saving that space for something else.
  • arm band - preferably barbed wire.

as far as general idea for the design here is what i'm ruminating:

  • a dinosaur - only a good person would get a dinosaur tattoo.
  • an anchor - i always wanted to live a life at sea, next best thing i think.
  • a robot - who doesn't like robots.
  • one of those things with a banner where you would usually put 'mom' or the name of your sweetheart, except i'll get something like 'dumbass', 'disgruntled' or 'poontang'. 'poontang' sounds like a great idea but i have to be realistic about the possibility of ending up in jail or god forbid prison where something like that would make things very awkward, very quickly.
  • a leprechan - i'm a mick what the hell do you want from me?

i think i can maximize the size of the tattoo by getting something in black and white...ehh whatever. at this point i'm really aiming to get something just absolutely ridiculous and i'd appreciate your help so if you have a suggestion please comment. i'll even allow for anonymous posts in this circumstance. matter of fact every everyone should post anon for this. it'll be a fun game and on sunday you can see if you won. i could even make a prize.

the winner of the contest gets a 6er of prb tall boys - or in the alternative the winner can watch me drink 6 pbr tall boys and have me do their bidding for 2 hours.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

cropdusting the warehouse

-"did you say 'the thong'?"
-"no, i said 'the thon' as in 'the marathon'"
-"oh well that's good because..."
-"i let one go. that's why i'm walking away now"
-"thanks for the warning" (cough)

personal and professional growth

CW/S... you there?
Sean Carl/ESZ... i am now
CW/... sweet!
CW/... welcome to another sunshiny day at _______
Sean Carl/ESZ... but its cloudy
CW/... outside it is
CW/... inside it's nothing but sunshine and rainbows
CW/... rainbows from the spray of happiness
Sean Carl/ESZ... since when?
Sean Carl/ESZ... where are they hiding these rainbows?
Sean Carl/ESZ... what else haven't you told me?
Sean Carl/ESZ... do you have to have a permanent position for them to give you badge access to the room where they fulfill all of your needs for both personal and professional growth in the form of happiness spray?
CW/... you mean nobody has shown you the basement?
Sean Carl/ESZ... no, but to their credit the training environment here is pretty lax...
CW/... congratulations
CW/... you just found rainbow number 1
Sean Carl/ESZ... so it's a zen thing
Sean Carl/ESZ... you find the rainbows like taking a stone from you masters hand
Sean Carl/ESZ... the socratic method if you will
CW/... yes but a zen thing you must master on your own
CW/... nobody here will let you snatch it from them

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

booger types

  1. the parachuter (aka the commando) - a booger that clings to your nose hair in plain view, for all to see.
  2. the landmine - a dried booger placed on the underside of your desk by a disgruntled co-worker.
  3. the flubber - the gooey kind that stretches on it's way out and then slaps itself back together on your finger. frequently used to make landmines.
  4. the menses - the kind with a streak of blood in it.
  5. the croissant - the crusty ones. easily extractable thought ever so slightly painful as they frequently envelop nose hair.
  6. el gordo - the kind that is so big that, once cleared, instantly improves your ability to breathe. often a croissant/flubber combo.
  7. the cobain - a typically undersized booger which commits hari-kari by flinging itself out of your nose and on to the floor.
  8. the aurora - a variation of the cobain that winds up in someones drink.
  9. the douche - boogers that spontaneously leak from your nose after swimming.


same offramp. same exact spot. this time some guy was puking out of his car. what is going on around here?

Monday, December 1, 2008


it may have taken six months of exposure to northwest passive aggression, but i realize now that my family yells at each other WAY too much.

no wonder my aunt from portland always seemed so weird.

policies and procedures

i'm not approving anonymous comments anymore.

unless it's a wonderous masterpiece of literary perfection produced by some genius wordsmith - don't even bother.

own your shit.

all i want for christmas is lowgrade narcolepsy

this morning i exited the 405 at exit 26 in bothell. took the right hand side of the two left turn lanes. light turns green, left lane starts moving, mine doesn't. i figure someone is broke down. so everybody jumps over to the right. the small-penised man in the giant lifted red truck behind me (gotta love the eastside) chirped out in the process, but my efficient wonder of a vehicle got out ahead of him. now i see that the problem is a little truck stopped in the lane. no hazard lights, no movement from inside. i was about to get out and check on the dude, but the guy ahead of me who was parallel to the vehicle in question got out first. i poked my head out my window and said "are they alright?" he just kind shrugged. at this point i assume someone is dead inside the cab. maybe a heart attack, maybe an aneurysm. perhaps a perforated colon. i started to think about how tragic it would be to die parked at a stop light. maybe tragic isn't the right word. pathetic. there we go. ever since i have been wondering how i would like to die. many people, mostly men, would suggest it would be best to go mid-coitus. others would say in your sleep. i personally want to die in an inferno of awesome glory. what that means, i don't exactly know.

the guy was asleep - in case you were wondering.

so how do you want to die?