i should admit the constant nausea isn't solely caused by the summertime pickling adventure. it doesn't always feel good to wake up alone but the consequences of having someone there are too severe. it's too scary. i don't want the burden. and what kind of person wants to watch this anyways? there's a tragic beauty to all of it; but even i get sick of me and what i've created. i too like me more when i'm drunk, maybe i should go back to self-loathing. it might be healthier. i can't remember the last time i cried. someone had to remind me of it. i laughed it off. it sounds so pedestrian when someone else reads it back to you. so standard. i do it for a reason. we all do. dfw reminded me that i'm not at the center of the universe. it didn't really make me feel better. i know what happens if this doesn't stop. it's part of how i ended up here. the people who hurt me the most are the ones who couldn't or wouldn't stick around to see how it ends. can't say i blame them.