what i'm doing now

this is the new blog.

enjoy.

"i've got a sinking suspicion that this feels like revenge"

this is the last post of smoking in the shower.

it's been fun spilling my guts to all you fine folks but all things must come to an end.

i'm starting a new project soon.

if i want you to know about it, you will (including you cheryl).

in the meantime keep your eyes on crappypaintart.

if you read my blog to periodically check in on me or my mental state, you could always just call or email. i prefer email. i'm not a 'phone talker' and it lets me respond when i want to. texts are ok too.

thanks for the comments.

thanks for not calling the mental health authorities.

thanks for the laughs.

peace out.

pony.

monday is the best day for backsliding

i should admit the constant nausea isn't solely caused by the summertime pickling adventure. it doesn't always feel good to wake up alone but the consequences of having someone there are too severe. it's too scary. i don't want the burden. and what kind of person wants to watch this anyways? there's a tragic beauty to all of it; but even i get sick of me and what i've created. i too like me more when i'm drunk, maybe i should go back to self-loathing. it might be healthier. i can't remember the last time i cried. someone had to remind me of it. i laughed it off. it sounds so pedestrian when someone else reads it back to you. so standard. i do it for a reason. we all do. dfw reminded me that i'm not at the center of the universe. it didn't really make me feel better. i know what happens if this doesn't stop. it's part of how i ended up here. the people who hurt me the most are the ones who couldn't or wouldn't stick around to see how it ends. can't say i blame them.

not anymore.

little buddy/big buddy

little buddy/big buddy, originally uploaded by Flaming Pony.

i love this picture and i love you.

godspeed.

platonic love

"As we exchanged tight hugs and maudlin sentiments last night, _______ charged me with the task of taking care of you. You woke up this morning on top of a cheeseburger and ate Fred Meyer sushi for lunch. So far I am doing a terrible job." - anonymous

if you believe in jesus

would you please ask him to turn down the heat on seattle? just 5 degrees. PLEASE?!?!?

fucking a right

fucking a right, originally uploaded by Flaming Pony.

everything is and everything will be

i take it all back

setbacks are always temporary

barriers can be broken

scrapes scab over

wounds heal

people can be redeemed

slights can be forgiven

days always end

disappointed relieved

the good can be seen

the bad can be reckoned with

as long as we're all together

we can do anything

everything will be okay

totally awesome

wicked sweet

Solution Preparation for Benzyl Alcohol Peroxide Assay

Dearest Jesus-

Get me the fuck out of here.

Pony

i'm going back to friendster?

so last night i'm eating dinner with my friend. i get a facebook friend request on my phone. i glance over it. i see the name "jackie". the only jackie i can think of was a kindly, talkative and somewhat cute friend i made in a bar on sunday. but we only talked for like 5 minutes before i rushed out, so how the hell did she find me on the interwebs?

i fully open the message and realize i know another person named jackie. my grandma. my grandma is on facebook.

goddamn it.

i suppose this is my punishment for not calling her often enough.

dropping the familial soap

i tried to write him a letter. i don't know what to say.

"congrats on being the first one in the family to go to jail. hope youre enjoying the pruno. see you in october. p.s. don't be afraid to poop yourself if you feel it's necessary."

seems a little crass.

better to say nothing at all.

SNAFU

i don't even know where to begin. any recap would contain one glaring omission and the omitted subject is really the only thing worth talking about. but we can't - not here.

i want to go to sleep.

http://everythingwillbeokay.com/youll_get_over_it/promise.html

i've resigned myself to the fact that a certain aspect of my life will always be one massive clusterfuck.

they've come to snuff the rooster

• it feels good to be naked outside.
• nudist resorts are about 2/3 dudes (nudists apparently blame this on the pressures society put on women) .
• you don't really want to look at 97% of the people.
• you'll see more cocks in one day than you've seen in your entire life. well, some of you will.
• i was amazed at the diversity of male gentalia and how many dudes had really small ones and how few dudes had really big ones. i really did feel bad for them.
• i helped set the guinness world record for largest simultaneous skinny dip.
• realized that "i am okay, just as i am".

get/'>http://cyborg.namedecoder.com">Get Your Cyborg Name

virgin white noise

you gotta be fucking kidding me....

off-white noise

• i've noticed a disturbing trend in colloquialisms recently; chillax, natch or totes - not okay! this is a recurring problem. spec-tac is acceptable.
• summer is exhausting.
• portland is spec-tac.
• for some reason there are random counties in nebraska, colorado and utah where, going against the state trend, the term "soda" is preferable to "pop".
• i'm trying to find a new job. i'm not trying very hard. trying is difficult.
• i've named my stomach 'howard'. shut the fuck up howard!
• seriously thinking about moving to athens. mainly because theo hilton once told an entire audience they should and i happened to be in that audience. that's practically an invitation for me to go sleep on his couch.
• i still haven't decided if this is actually worth posting.

microscoffed

i am dreaming of a life that forever keeps me at arms length from powerpoint presentations

just wondering

how many dead american celebrities does it take to de-rail an iranian revolution?

very superstitious

it's impossible to make wishes if you have no idea what you want.

the chamomile tea isn't settling a damn thing.

being poor is pretty awesome sometimes

i'm not applying for the job. i know what conventional wisdom, my mom and chelsea's mom (Hi Cheryl!) would say. but it feels wrong and therefore it is. i'm not willing to ignore the fact that bayer is an evil company for the sake of security or material comfort. i will admit to there being a certain amount of privilege involved in me being able to say that since i really don't have anything to lose. i believe that most of the people around me would make the same decision if they felt like they had a choice. i'm lucky enough to be able to say no. i know we're all supposed to just do what we need to, brave unhappiness and otherwise icky feelings to maintain our credit ratings or whatever. i'm not willing to accept those as acceptable justifications for being a part of something i know is wrong.

i'm going to lose this job at some point and i am totally ok with that. i'm going to get out of the pharmaceutical industry and never look back. an argument could be made that they save lives. a lot of the time they do. but they don't do it for free. matter of fact they will drain you of everything you have for the privilege of continuing to live. and even if you accept that they save lives, ignoring the rabid capitalism, you also have to accept the fact that many of them have killed people. numerous companies, including bayer have knowingly put people at risk of death, covered up the risk and maximized profits while delaying regulatory intervention. it's kind of a pattern within the industry.

our society operates on the principle of division of labor. from a pragmatic standpoint ultimately there need to be people working to make drugs. i'll concede that. i just don't want to be one of them anymore.

this feels pretty sweet.

being an adult

is dumb

icing on the cake

i think the only thing that could make my life better than it is right now would be to lose my job.

one can hope.

bullet points feel better when they come out of a gun

• today was the first time when extra value detracted me from making a purchase. they were even on sale. but something about getting the 20% extra that i didn't want dissuaded me.
• there's an opening in my house. interested? http://seattle.craigslist.org/see/roo/1231156754.html
• solstice summary: tons of nakedness, 2 bottles of $4 wine, 2 tecate tallboys, 1 hottub, 3 shirtless party crashers, 4 underage girls, an untold number of stolen beers, a non-descript amount of canadian whiskey, 1 neil diamond cover band, 1 drunken nap at gas works, $18 in fried fair food. brought my camera but forgot my memory card and battery (you'll have to live with cameraphone pictures). all in all a wonderful day full of wonderful people just doing their thing. summer has arrived bitches.

yes, those people are naked.

note the bottle of wine.

again with the wine.

wait a second, you're drinking again?

Fuzzy Zoeller's Enlarged Prostate: why didn't you warn me that Terminator sucked!

Pony Carl: I didn't think it sucked. It just wasn't that great.

Fuzzy Zoeller's Enlarged Prostate: I dunno 'bout that. We were drinking and I thought that would have made it better, but no. Christian bale thought he was batman and the cg naked Arnold... come on! Crikey, crikey!

Pony Carl: Point taken. It sucked.

Fuzzy Zoeller's Enlarged Prostate: are you going to CNight tonight

Pony Carl: Probably not.

Pony Carl: Meeting someone for coffee.

Fuzzy Zoeller's Enlarged Prostate: oh!?

Fuzzy Zoeller's Enlarged Prostate: I hope ____s there so I can yell at him

Fuzzy Zoeller's Enlarged Prostate: we're looking at his flickr and he was supposed to organize a rollerskating nighte

Fuzzy Zoeller's Enlarged Prostate: -e

Fuzzy Zoeller's Enlarged Prostate: that's not happened!

Fuzzy Zoeller's Enlarged Prostate: I think its because im a jew

Pony Carl: And you people thought they'd be no consequences to killing Christ

Fuzzy Zoeller's Enlarged Prostate: I never knew the price would be this high though

Fuzzy Zoeller's Enlarged Prostate: fml

Pony Carl: "not only did my people spill the blood of the lamb, but now I can't roller skate. fml."

too much pabst for one photo booth

too much pabst for one photo booth, originally uploaded by Flaming Pony.

(the other thing i did on saturday)

admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery

i literally spent the entire weekend playing magic.

i dropped $40 on new cards and my decks still aren't good enough.

this is becoming an issue.

because indeed, it will be

hydrocortisone 1%

isn't the phrasing in the indication "for external genital, feminine and anal itching" redundant?

crisis of conscience

so i have this job. end of july i will have had this job for a year. i don't like this job. i've accepted that this is how i eat. i come to the suburbs, sit in my cube, waste the day, do a little science. that's how i put a roof over my head. do i wish i was doing something else? yes. whatever. i have what i have and it facilitates a life i rather enjoy.

it's not that i don't like the people i work with. i have almost nothing in common with a vast majority of them but they're all decent people. i have a problem with the company we work for. it really is a giant multi-national horror show when it comes to how it treats it's employees and it's customers (patients) for that matter.

today i found out that there is going to be a permanent position available to me. i have to compete with the other 2 temps for it but it's there. for months after i started here i complained and complained about wanting a permanent position. but now that it's here, i really don't want to apply for it.

conventional wisdom would tell me to just apply. it will provide stability and benefits and i can get a new job when the market improves. but i really think i just don't want it. forget the fact that the industry i'm in as a whole is not aligned with my values. i can be absolutely sure the COMPANY is antithetical to my values.

applying for this position feels like selling out. i should know because i've done plenty of it and i know that in the end it just leaves you feeling empty. what good is stability if you don't want to look at yourself in the mirror? something about this just plain feels wrong.

fill it in

does anyone remember the fox show "when animals attack"?

here are my ideas for new clip compilation shows

when ______ attack

• the tacos you ate for lunch (hosted by carlos mencia)
• shitty scenesters verbally (hosted by that guy at the show)
• hawaiian shirt fridays (hosted by that douchebag you work with)
• the harsh harsh rays of the sun (hosted by edgar winter)
• the symptoms of seasonal affective disorder (hosted by andy dick)
• 1-1/2 pounds of dried dates (hosted by that girl from 'my big fat greek wedding')
• pancakes (hosted by anthony bourdain)
• fred phelps (hosted by perez hilton)
• unwanted facebook friend requests (hosted by passive aggression)

to my northwest peeps: seattleversary

saturday marked one year since i arrived in seattle. it was kind of weird because last thursday i was in simi and departing for home, which coincidentally happened to mark the one year anniversay since i left. trippy - i know.

maybe i put too much weight and symbolism into things like this but anniversaries give people opportunity to look back and take stock in order to better move forward.

i promised myself i wouldn't write a 'fuck where i came from post' and i'm not going to. but the contrast between where i am from and where i am is quite sharp. i feel a sense of relief when arriving in seattle, knowing that thus far this is the best place i've found for me to be.

in retrospect i probably didn't leave california for the right reasons. there was a desperation to the whole thing which now seems sort of artificial. but i know i made the right decision, which is a powerful realization since i rarely make the right decision.

it was a rough year and there were a number of changes. i was, however, fortunate enough to make fateful connections with many people who were also going through some serious life changes. looking back it warms my heart to think about how we all held each other up and how we've mostly come out the other side wiser and stronger, with all the cool scars to show for our trials.

i am, for the first time in a long while, happy. my bills still aren't fully paid. i still don't own more than what can fit in my car. but this morning while walking to the bus stop across the I-5 bridge at 45th, i looked south and there was rainier. this was the first time since i moved (to wallingford) that it was clear enough to see it from that spot. it made me smile.

something about living in the volcanic shadow of that massive snow covered mountain just feels right. it reminds me that although imminent doom is always going to be hanging over my head, chances are that everything will, in general, be okay.

i know there's a lot of things that given the opportunity, many people would change about seattle. i respectfully disagree. there are things about this place and the way it effects people that can be annoying. but if seattle wasn't exactly the way it is i never would have met any of you people - and that to me is unacceptable.

when i think about how this place has allowed me to grow and develop, the way it forced me to get out of my comfort zone, all the weird and tasty vegan food chelsea used to coax me into eating, the bonfires, the beach trips, MTG and craft nights, the running, the knitting, the organic produce bin deliveries, the fact that i now eat thai food and tomatoes and golden beets...none of this would have happened had i continued to stay within 20 miles of where i was born.

i am grateful to have made it this far, to have learned what i've learned, to have seen what seattle has shown me - both about myself and about what it means to be alive. but more than anything i am grateful for all of you. you're all in a sense my family now and as we continue to grow i know that some of us are going to move on and that's of little consequence. no matter where we all end up in year or in ten years we will have always had these two beautiful summers and the intervening 9 months of hell, together.

i'm not going to make a list because i would inevitably leave someone out on accident and someone would be all butt hurt but i am going to say you should know if you're one of the people this is directed to, and that i love all of you.

it's just unnatural

i never thought i'd see the day when iowa is more progressive than california when it comes to lettin' the moes get hitched....

...to hell in a handbasket

so i know that this is inherently cute. i know i'm supposed to go awwwwwwww and smile and forward the email it came in to everybody i know so that they too will go awwwwwwww and smile and feel good. puppies, rainbows, kittens, kittens and puppies together, kittens and puppies together holding hands against a rainbow backdrop. i get it.

i find them annoying and i'm probably going to hell for it.

the legend continues

when i worked at baxter, they sent us to this 'personal accountability' seminar. as corporate seminars go - it wasn't that bad. it was an all day thing but the dude managed to keep us entertained and even might have had some decent advice and tips for being a better drone.

the way these things work is simple - you spend 20 years on your knees sucking corporate ____, you analyze your years felating non-organic entities and you come up with some bullshit 'program' that you use all your cock-sucking skills to sell your 'program' to the same bastards who robbed you of the best years of your life making hundreds of thousands of dollars a year in the process. pretty good deal right?

well the chipper prick who led my particular session of personal accountability training told us a story. a buddy of his was a runner. somehow the buddy talked him into training for a half marathon. the instructor told us all about how he trained, even when it was difficult and even when he didn't want to. throughout his struggles his buddy (who was now his training coach) supported him and eventually, race day came. upon finishing the half marathon the coach asked the instructor "so are you ready to run a marathon?" the instructor answered "no". the lesson was supposed to be that it's good to set goals and even better to reach them, but to know your own limitations. however, in hindsight i think the lesson of the story was that the instructor was a pussy.

i still can't walk normally, but oddly enough my pain has been localized to a different area of my body - shifting each day. sunday into monday it was the left side of my pelvis, monday into tuesday - legs, tuesday into wednesday - butt. today it's my right knee. weird. kinda curious what will ache tomorrow.

the legend of postfontaine

final time - 1:55:38


avg min/mi - 8:49


gu packets - 3


pee breaks - 2


5 hour energy shots - 1


here's the play by play:

i arrived and had to pee so al and i wanted in the long line for the honey bucket. they told us to line up for the start but there was a delay. i needed to go again but wasn't about to compete with the 5k'ers for toilet access so i peed on a tree. mile 1 went by very fast. gupp and his kids stood on the corner of 113th and 124th before mile 2. one of his daughters told him that i should be called lion, not pony on account of all the hair. that was where this was taken:
i ran past the 1st water station but needed to pee again. so i slowed down long enough to realize there were 5 women in line ahead of me. no fucking way, right? no i scurried down the road to pee behind a wall of trees on 132nd. that was where i encountered the thorny bush and the acquired the sliver i spent the rest of the race trying to extract from my thumb.

after that i hit every water stop but didn't stop running until after mile 10 where i had to pee again. luckily i found a random set of condos under constuction and snuck (well ran) across the street to do my biz.

the rest of it was a blur. i had issues with the left side of my pelvis from the start which made for a very difficult rest of the day on sunday. (because i couldn't walk you pervs!) it got so bad that last night while walking home from a movie some random dude stopped on 45th to ask me if i needed a ride.

the rest of the pics are on my flickr. i apologize for the watermark but i wasn't about to pay $45 for a cd with 6 digital photos on it.

special thanks to my support crew/coach alicia and to kev for getting the girls dressed and to the corner in time to cheer me on.

1.5" inseam

i'm back home now and trying to 'get into the groove' as madonna would say. there was obviously a wrench or two thrown into my training schedule over the last two weeks but i did manage to squeeze in a long hilly run while in simi. it was pretty much a disaster as i had no ATP, and was coming off a 3 day bender.

postfontaine will not be so easily defeated. the half marathon is indeed on. to facilitate this quest i am looking for the shortest pair of running shorts i can find. these badboys have a one-and-a-half-inch inseam and built in liner to keep my man bits private.

inseam - in case you don't know, as i didn't - is the distance from your package to the bottom of the fabric. this is how you spell g-o-d-d-a-m-n s-e-x-y.

no cornholin' and no pukin' on the floor

this is my grandpa. david warren mcintyre, or as i so affectionately refer to him - d. dubya mcintyre. him and my grandma are from columbus, georgia - a factoid that i struggled with up until the last couple years. confused, i once asked my grandpa which state it was he was from. "georgia!! you raise that goddamn rebel flag boy!" was his reply.

in many ways he was a dichotomy. he was - to a certain degree - racist, as would be expected of someone who grew up in the deep south in the 1930's. it wasn't uncommon for him to talk shit about mexicans and every once in a while if he drank a little too much he'd drop an n-bomb and then cover his mouth like a small child who accidentally just said "fuck" in front of their mother for the first time. at christmas my cousin and i tried to record him to referring to obama as "a nigger" but no dice - grandpa had more class than that. but he did go so far as to say that we should all be ashamed for voting for him.

but his son-in-law and two of his grandchildren were mexican and even had an adopted chinese granddaugther. in spite of his upbringing, he loved them just the same as he did any other family member. his one time best friend, al (who died in the '91 quake) was black. he loved that man to death, yet still used that awful word when talking to or about him. it was pretty funny.

he wasn't much of a talker. not to say that he couldn't hold a conversation, but he was definitely the strong silent type. probably because anytime he did open his mouth about something emo, he would cry. we were in vegas together once and he started talking about my father, who at the time was sick. he didn't get more than two words out before he welled up and couldn't continue. and that kind of frames who he really was. he just had a giant heart and an overwhelming love for his family.

grandpa had quite a way with words. once, while digging ditches for him, he told me i was "sweatin' like a whore in church". another time during my radical phase i was extolling the virtues of anarchism and communal living at a family gathering. he didn't catch most of what i was saying, but when he did catch led him to announce "boy! i love you......but i hate your fucking politics".

when i embarked on my ill-fated marriage adventure he made arrangements at the imperial palace in vegas (where he was practically royalty) for my bachelor party. over dinner he told all of us that there "better not be any bullshit" going on in the room. curious and wanting to the know the ground rules i inquired "what exactly defines 'bullshit' grandpa?" without missing a beat he said "no cornholin' and no pukin' on the floor".

grandpa wasn't the give-you-a-bunch-of-money type of grandparent. but he was always willing to let me work for him. i never would have gotten through the first 5 years of college had it not been for all the landscaping work he let me do. i recently told him how much i appreciated the job training and how it came in handy when i moved to seattle.

my grandpa loved to smoke, drink, gamble and fight but always held down a job. in the end he told me "do what you need to do but always leave a little room for fun" which in my opinion was a highly euphemistic thing for him to say because in his 75 years he left a lot of room for fun. another time in vegas, he drunkenly told me how he played blackjack to make sure grandma would be taken care of when he was gone. and yes, he was crying. 

if i had to pick one word to describe the man it would be badass. he spent most of my life telling me that he would "whuup my ass" often threatening to do so with one arm tied behind his back. but he never laid a hand on me. except for that time when i was 4, but i had it coming.  i got a great deal of enjoyment out of mocking his accent and mannerisms. sometimes if i went a little too far he'd shoot me this look, say "fuck you" and then laugh. i think that is what i'll miss about him the most.

grandpa was a good man. he had his flaws and made his mistakes like every other bipedal hominid on the planet but he was full of love. so much so that it caused him to overcome his own prejudices. so much that he could barely express it words without breaking up like a space shuttle over texas. his love for his family, especially his wife, drove him to stay alive long after his short ass little body should have given out.

he died on tuesday in his own bed and surrounded by the people that loved him the most. if that ain't the way to go i don't know what is.

Lemay St.

i'm writing this from the so-called airport in redmond, oregon. it's one of those places that makes you say to yourself "what strange and twisted series of events has brought me to THIS place?" you really have to see it to get the full impact of what i'm saying.


this weekend i spent an unusual amount of time at the hospital i was born in. last time i was there i'm pretty sure i peed all over my doctor. 27 years later and little has changed - i'm still peeing on people.


driving through reseda on the way to the hospital i realized i was exceptionally close to (one of) my childhood home(s). we also lived across the street from this particular house but this is the one where i remember becoming conscious of my existence and therefore is slightly more meaningful.



simi hasn't changed very much. those "skin industries" bro-pricks still take over the patio at TGI Fridays on...well...fridays. the streets are still freakishly wide. the cops are still intimidating and the MILFs are still trying to emulate their whorish daughters from behind the wheels of SUVs they really have no good reason to be driving. by brother in law still thinks god sent him to earth to consume energy as ineffieciently as possible. my mom is still neurotic. my sister still isn't pregnant and i still don't live there, both to the shagrin of my grandmother (e.g. 'pack your bags, we're going on a guilt trip'.)

what has changed? more stoplights, more driveways named after dead cops as well as abstract ideas like 'freedom' and 'liberty'. an extra lane on the 118. my favorite burrito is more expense and they've gotten damn stingy with the salsa which was disappointing. i also now find southern california sunlight oppressive.

i'm told i'll need be back there within a week. let's hope not.

take a look back

there's a lot of talk about obama's first one hundred days in office.

as much as i do like the man i thought it was important to look at things in a historical context and realize how arbitrary and inaccurate a measurement this can be.

self-awareness

if i've learned anything about myself it is the amazing extent to which i am totally willing to hang myself if it means i get to pull the door out from under an enemy, effectively taking them with me.

week ending 04/19/09

so you may notice that a week is missing from the half marathon training schedule. that's because i didn't train at all last week. my goal was 20 miles of which i ran exactly 0% of. here's the list of things i did instead:

• worked 65 hours.
• drove some friends to portland to see dr. dog on wednesday, forced them to eat del taco.
• got kinda drunk in a random tavern (in portland) and found out i was sitting next to a guy who went to the same school (Sherman Oaks Center for Enriched Studies which actually is in Reseda and relatively speaking, no where near Sherman Oaks) as me in 4th grade. he was a year behind me so we weren't classmates or anything but it was random. we talked about the bitter science teacher with skin cancer- mr. pugh (pronounced pew as in pee-yew).
• booked a ticket to go to Slimey in may.
• got my ass handed to me in scrabble. twice.
• skated down stone to jonathans house.
• ushered in spring with a late passover sader, 3 bottles of manechewitz and a hearty bonfire at golden gardens. jumped in the sound in my skiveys. fell asleep in the sand. twice.

additionally i would be remiss if i didn't say THAT IT IS FUCKING BEAUTIFUL TODAY!!!! omfg! wtfwjd? bbq.

notes from oblivion #7

if you thought as much about life as you do about money, you'd burn mill creek to the ground and drive your luxury sedan into the puge.

dear portland

until i met you i thought my heart would stay black forever.
the first time we danced i looked into your eyes and knew i wanted to stay in that moment forever.
i want to walk in the shadows of your twelve bridges and bask in the glow of your two dollar pints.
if i never know the thrill of your touch, if i never have you again,
if we never turn the interludes of affair into true love at least we'll have those nights.
and they'll mean more to me than anything ever will, ever again.

hel-fucking-lo

uhhhh why didn't anyone tell me that three mile pilot is back together and touring!

june 20th. hell fuck yes!

notes from oblivion # 2

"i hope your stock portfolio tanks and you have to sell your house at a massive loss. that and you have to sell one of your BMWs."

notes from oblivion # 3

"Were you born being this big of an asshole or have you just smelled like fart your whole life?"

flying too close to the sun

so a while back i posted about the new defiance, ohio ep - the proceeds of which (100%) go to the icarus project. last night some kids from the olympia chapter were at the show to read a little from navigating the space between brilliance and madness which was so empowering and inspirational that i felt it appropriate to share.

58

it feels like i talk to you everyday.
even though i never hear your voice.
happy birthday.

hide the porn! fuck - hide the bong! shit - hide the porn in the bong!

Ayuda me!

As I type this I am sitting at a jack in the box in Martha Lake, trying exceptionally hard to look like I am engaged in a text conversation in order to avoid speaking to a creepy dude who my work has brought me in contact with but is not a co-worker. All I wanted was a quiet lunch and now I'm paralyzed with fear as I casually eat fries wondering why he's sitting in the parking lot watching me. I'm also curious as to why he's now opened his trunk for the second time and I'm trying to figure out what he's got in there: gloves? Rope? Bleach? Fuck! If I die before the defiance, ohio show I'm going to be pissed.

ahhh seattle

it's such a beautiful day - getting up into the 70's....

i wanted so bad to be reading in the park today that i devised a plan:

drink coffee until diahhrea kicks in - legitimately being able to claim illness, i would then secure some immodium, pay my library fine and then go read in the park. but since i started running again my bowels are as solid as a slab of steel. so now here i sit, gassy, staring at the blue sky, cursing my mizunos.

damn you mizunos!!!!

friday surprise

i have something for all of you. it's been a long time in the making, but ultimately didn't take that long to make. so please, do enjoy this for although it was highly therapeutic for me it was ultimately done with the purpose of entertaining in mind.

clickity-click here

career change

tarot cards, fortune cookies, horoscopes - all have been telling me that my choice of occupation is ill suited to my personality and strengths as a human being. but i do like security. life is easier to tackle when you know for sure you'll be able to eat next week. so much as i hate _____ i was excited when my boss told me she was trying to get me hired as a permanent employee. then out of nowhere all the permanent employees were told that the facility they worked for years to qualify for a drug manufacturing license will be sold to some random company as soon as they finish (july). so there goes my permanent position.

maybe this is a sign. maybe the drug game just aint for me no more. maybe it never was. maybe i did what i did to be a provider and wasn't thinking about how important it is to be happy with what you do. i like that i help sick people. i like that i get to wear a lab coat. but fuck if i can't stand the giant, soul consuming, heart crushing multi-national healthcare juggernaut that i am currently whoring myself out to. i'm more johnny hobo than i am francis crick. always have been - always will be.

i know now that i should have gone to culinary school.

fuck it.

queen of hordes

i had an amateur tarot card reading. i was told that there was something due to me. that the struggles i have been enduring are nearing completion. essentially i was told that i was approaching "the end of an era" and that things would be exceptionally good. the caviat is that i have to take it for myself. whatever it is that is out there is just waiting for me. apparently i won't stumble across it, it won't fall into my lap. i have to seize it.

the thing standing in my way is the queen of swords. internet research has revealed that this could be an actual person or a force from within myself. the queen of swords is cold, calculating, logical and female. the psychic said that this person/force was in fact the cause of the struggles i have been facing for quite some time. but alas, there is hope. well kinda.

tarot cards are bullshit. everything i have so far related could easily be interpreted in a variety of ways depending on the person who recieves the information. the whole 'it could be a person or a force within yourself' could go two ways. if you're the kind of person who blames others for your lot in life then you would assume it's a person - some prime mover in your life that is looking to stiffle you at every turn. if you're the kind of person who looks at yourself as the source of your woes you would assume that 'whatever' is a function of your failures as a human being.

but sometimes bullshit has it's place. i can see how something like this would give someone hope or possibly a much needed change of trajectory. and i suppose it's better to have someone gain that insight from some random cards than to make up some batshit solution in their own head - or turning to religion which is bullshit as well but last time i checked no one ever got killed in the name of tarot cards. or at least not nearly as many as have been tortured in the name of the prince of peace. i digress.

in my case the reading was free, so ultimately i took as an opportunity to think about my life and what i need to do in order to be a happier, healthier human. but if i had paid money for it i'd probably be a little pissed.

ohhhhh, it's on now!

harvesting the cube farm

overheard:

"i feel like every actor does some indie film at some point, and i don't get it"
"yeah and they're ususally bad, like weird"

the eastside seems like another world sometimes

getting better all the time

• got my new phone yesterday. the camera phone pics i've taken with it are the clearest they will ever be.
• moving on saturday. bigger room. smaller rent. 2 kitchens. 6 blocks from the bus stop it usually takes me half and hour to get to. yay wallingford!
• i'm coming out of my cycle - finally.
• miracle whip makes the most mundane sandwich taste like some gourmet lunch action.
• i ate three actual meals yesterday, including 2 servings of fruit and one vegetable. fuck yeah!

first time for everything

i think i got my first cell phone back in '02. i've dropped them, dropped them in water, left them places etc, but never actually totally and completely lost one.

however, sometime on friday during a very stumbly and long walk home my phone and i were separated. one lost phone in 6 years? i think that's a pretty good track record.

anyways, if you haven't already, please email me your phone number. i'll have a new phone on monday but it won't do me much good if i can't get a hold of no one.

the secret to a good day

get your morning going right with a small, inconsequential victory and/or minor success.

yay for mediocrity!

just in case

Last spd I almost caught a case prior to ditching California forever.

Lesson?

Watch your ass. Specially in TO.

drinking with a dead man

happy st. patricks day

hungry kids and butt sex

you might have to click on it to see it properly.

breathing to death

if pure, unadulterated death could be distilled into a liquid, it would be trifluoroacetic acid.

not only will this shit eat through gloves but it rapidly evaporates. said vapor turns into this nice whispy white smoke when it comes in contact with air, dissolving itself into the local atmosphere instantly making it hard to breathe.

yay for TFA!

fuck all this nonsense

anybody want to drop everything and move to athens, ga?

how 'bout nashville?

let's go!

how to get sued

new stuff up at crappy paint art.

revel in it's glory.

I SAID REVEL DAMN IT!.

bipolar thought patterns

• one of my favorite things is rainfall in the sunshine. imagine my joy at the same phenomenon but with snow.
• there is a term for a divorced 27 year old with no permanent housing, a substantial amount of debt, no prospects for significant employment into the future and absolutely nothing to show for the last 6 years of his life - loser.
• i did a post mortem on my spending over the last 90 days. i never want to go to a bar again.
• coolio was arrested for crack.
• meghan mccain is pretty hot - for a member of the hitler youth.
• if someone had the imagination to dream up the TARDIS why has no one had the imagination to successfully bring one to market?
• does a jewish magician cast a spiel? (from NPR)
• i'm losing my desire to leave the house. ever. for any reason.
• the beard and glasses are successfully isolating me from the opposite sex.
• on friday my grandfather is having surgery remove most of his midsection. if you want to know what that means, get in line because i do too.
• i hate everything

just a suggestion.

attention single female seattlites!!!

i am looking for a new place. as it seems that all people vacating tenements this month are in fact young single females, i just wanted raise the issue that it might be a good idea to put your soiled undies in a hamper or under the bed if necessary. i'm not offended or anything but it's a little distracting to see your dirty g-strings strewn about the floor like the workspace of jenna jameson's on-set costume coordinator. i'm interested in your room not your preferences for vaginal support.

trip highlights

• gave an anarchist and a quaker a ride to olympia and portland, respectively.
• the quaker asked me if "being married changed my outlook on dating or relationships?" i explained "no, i am just as sappy, stupid and trusting about these things as i always was and i continue to take everything that everyone says to me at face value" just kidding.
• beat james woodhead at scrabble.
• realized i left my photo card in my computer and bought a new one for $7.
• rode I-84, stopping at every state park that didn't have a fee.
• visited multomah falls. took generic pictures.
• entered mt. hood national forest. pulled off to try out the snowshoes.
• locked my keys in my trunk.
• tried desperately to get my dying phone to work, eventually walking into the middle of a snowy pasture where i intermittently got 1-2 bars.
• eventually got ahold of roadside assistance.
• waited two hours
• tried to remember my boy scout survival training from 16 years ago; started considering which arm i should eat first.
• it started to get cloudy.
• it started to snow.
• tow truck guy shows up.
• more showshoeing.
• ate dinner at microbrew in hood river.
• went to aunt debbie's in portland.
• told her i just wanted to rest and drive home that night. fell asleep 15 minutes later.
• woke up 10 hours later.
• drove home

HA! right....

only after renting snowshoes do i check google maps to realize that i may not have enough time or gas money to actually GET to crater lake.

oh well. the adventure will proceed!

ass, grass or gas

the upside of having a car i can 't afford is that when the tomfoolery associated with modern life in the big city gets to be too much i can drop everything and drive off.

so i am packing it up and heading south. i'm gonna surf a couple couches in portland, i'm going to see some family and i'm going to see crater lake. crater lake (for pete's sake) is on my to do list of life. i'm also enlisting craigslist to recuit random travelers to pay for the gas, at least through pdx.

if i play my cards right i might be lucky enough to become fodder for a black bear.

flying too close to the sun

jonathan told me about the new defiance, ohio EP which i am TOTALLY stoked on.

but i'm even more stoked because all the proceeds benefit the icarus project which is where i found the most resonating blogpost i have ever read.

please enjoy.

how to become a swinger (embarrassment therapy)

1. secure ipod - make sure you have good headphones and a playlist with songs you know ALL the words to.


2. find a good park - the ideal park will have really good swings but be in close proximity to houses. the point is people have to hear you so if it's frequented by walkers or other such types that's ok too.


3. turn it up - i recommend full blast; that way you can't hear anything anyone might be saying about you, nor can you hear yourself.


4. swing - like you just don't care.


5. sing - like no one can hear you.

trust me when it's over you'll feel great and won't rightly give a fuck what anybody in the world thinks of you.

self esteem reclaimed you will approach the days with a grand sense of whimsy. nothing will bother you ever again.

guaranteed or my name isn't squiggles the salamander.

torrential

yesterday morning i woke up and stepped outside and plopped myself down on my front porch.

it was raining.

before long i noticed i was smiling.

i was smiling at the rain.

p.s. this guy is still looking for a home. PLEASE HELP!!!!!

bm

it's been widely rumored for decades that the 'natural' part of the 'natural and artificial flavors' found in dr. pepper is in fact....

(drum roll)

...prune juice.

yeah.

dilemma

my gut says go to portland.

my head says go home.

my heart smacks my head with every ounce of force it can muster and says "have you gone absolutely fucking batshit?"

11:11

today i wished for strength and happiness, as everything else is bullshit.

a non-event

i just saw this on the cnn homepage

to all my bitches (j/k please don't hit me):

i was lucky enough to spend saturday and sunday surrounded by intelligent, crafty, funny, beautiful, kind women. all of whom endulged my disgusting sense of humor, propensity for alcoholism and foul mouth.

so here's to mel, meghan, chelsea, iris, alicia, jenna, kelsey and anonymous for allowing me to be bitter without having to be lonely.

whispering sweet nothings

sweet, originally uploaded by Flaming Pony.

get to the fucking point already

no one likes being lied to. it has a way of making you feel dumb which is probably why trust forms the foundation of any meaningful social relationship. if you can't trust someone to tell you the truth then you're better off not knowing them at all. and rightfully so, for if someone is willing to lie to you about A then how do you know they didn't lie to you about B-Z

so imagine how i felt a few weeks ago when i found out that some of the closest members of my family had lied to me. the clues were all there and i honestly had kinda figured it out but i have,at times been prone to making wild assumptions, which i was trying to avoid, and reverted back to my scientific "unless its absolutely proven you can't really act upon it" mentality.

once it was blatantly laid out for me i was angry. but at that exact moment it wasn't really apropos to be angry so i contained it for a little while. later on that day i made a call to my sister. to my credit i kept my cool, even when my sister started raising her voice at me trying to defend herself and we ended the conversation with nothing really being resolved other than me calmly expressing my unhappiness with the situation.

to be fair it wasn't like they all got together and said "lets just lie to sean [my family calls me sean] if he happens to ask about ______". that is, there was no poorly lit parking garage where a group of willing actors met and entered into a red handed conspiracy. however, there was a certain amount of collusion and i did happen to inquire with certain family members about this situation which is when i was lied to.

further in the interest of fairness, everybody lies. but as a society we find it social acceptable to lie sometimes. lying to your boss about why you showed up two hours late to work with a black eye, lying to the cops about how many drinks you had, etc. its also more acceptable to tell lies to people you don't know (i.e. when the guitar player of the horribly shitty band you just saw asks you what you think and you say 'yeah it was good'). BUT certain people should respect and love you enough to tell you the truth no matter what. we humans are cute when it comes to justifying dishonesty. we say things like "well i didn't want to hurt your feelings" which is absolute crap. we lie to protect ourselves, not the recipient.

it just so happened that all of this happened at a major crossroads in my life. one where i needed to know that my family was my family and that they were behind me no matter what, even if we were separated by a great distance. which is probably why it stung so much, why i am currently hung up on it three weeks after the fact and why it is further fueling my general distrust of people which i thought i had made some serious progress on.

the point? don't lie. don't embellish. don't stretch the truth at least not to the people who mean the most to you. some short term grief might be saved by doing so but if you're found out it will only exacerbate the issue and the person will be that much angrier that not only did you do this shitty thing but you compounded said pain you were apparently trying to avoid inflicting by throwing an extra cherry of betrayal on top of the sunday just for good measure.

thank you. good night.

olfactory rape

if the fictional vagina of a wart-ridden, crusty, old, syphilitic, un-bathed hooker from a steinbeck novel (a la cannery row) could have an odor - it would smell like pyridine.

new things

• i got a new pair of glasses ....... now if i could just learn how to smile.
• i got a new beard ...... now if i could just learn how to smile.
• i got a new, wait - yup that's all my new stuff ...... now if i could just learn how to smile.

nostradumbass

NEWSFLASH: if your predictions are only recognizable after the "predicted" event has occurred; they aren't really predictions.

shot across the bow

i know yesterday was only the 8th, but it's never too early to tell st. valentine to go fuck himself

i may be awesome but we fucking rule!

william taft was...

...the only president to also serve as chief justice of the supreme court.

...the fattest american president ever.

...the last american president to have facial hair.

double edged bored

i know we're all patiently waiting for the summer to arrive. we're looking forward to reading in the park. we're eager to put a blanket down by the locks and watch the boats wander by. we're all biding our time bundled up in blankets for the time of the year where you feel stupid for having gone out in a hoodie, only to find how absolutely unnecessary it is and having to carry it around in our arms for the rest of the evening.

i've developed a very subtle depression. it's not a "f*** my life, i hate my existence and i want to die" kind of thing, but more of a "stop talking to me, we'll never actually be friends, i just want to go to sleep now" feeling. in short, i've become seattle. this crack in the armor came roughly three weeks ago when i used said municipality as an adjective. it's all been downhill from there. ever since i have spent most of my free time sleeping and to be quite honest, enjoying it immensely.

while all that was going on the weather took a turn for the better. after going 12 days without seeing the sun, and a near entire month without an actual 'sunny day' the weather suddenly decided to be nice. there's been some 50 degree days where some of us were happy just to go outside without a jacket. i didn't bite. i figured it was all just a big tease and that to un-hunker would be premature and possibly disappointing and of course i was correct.

while it is normal to pine for sunshine there is something to be said for the gloom. everybody wants a little light in their life. but some of us just plain love the darkness. and not just when it comes to weather. i mean, i've never really been into the whole 'goth' thing. at the risk of offending some I'll just go so far as to say that the whole damn scene always seemed fucking retarding to me. but with that said i do love the dark.

i'd rather hang around at night than during the day. when my body isn't writhing in agony from a lack of vitamin d, i do prefer a cloudy day to a sunny one. i'll take a dead baby joke over the best play on words. to me irony, cynicism and agony are far more valuable as far as entertainment and as motivation than any positive sentiment has ever been. maybe it's a function of my life experiences, maybe i listened to too many henry rollins spoken word albums at an impressionable age. i don't know.

what i do know is that when it rains i want it to rain harder. when a flood washes out a road i want it to wash out the concrete bridge instead. when a thin layer of frost blankets the eastside i long for snowpocalypse '09. everybody warned me about the weather here. they said 'it rains so much there, you're going to hate it'. they were kinda right but mostly wrong and in truth - i'm not really looking forward to the sunshine. this isn't a statement of despondency. nothing close to a cry for help.

this is a simple matter of preference. i, like everyone else, want to be happy. i'm just identifying more and more that i find my happiness in the morose. the more fucked something is the more likely i am to laugh at it. kinda like when grandpa drops the 'n' bomb and starts telling you why he voted for mccain or like a todd solandz movie. there's nothing wrong with me. what would be wrong would be to pretend that my darkside isn't engrained in the fiber of my being at the molecular level. some would say this viewpoint leads to misantropy. i think it's an affirmation of my humanity.

suck on it.

somalia

the more i visit cnn.com the sadder i become that i will most likely never have a chance to become a somali pirate.

yar.

Pony Satisfaction Survey

I have created a short survey to determine how I can be all the horse that I can be.

Please help by participating.

Thank You

homo=homogenized (aka whole)

Chelsea: So what kinda milk you wanna get Pony? Homo milk?

Pony: What the fuck? I have to stand outside with Obie?

Chelsea: Well yeah Pony, I have to go in and get my coffee.

Pony: You mean a vegan chocolate chip cookie? Don't lie to Pony. Seriously, don't lie to Pony.

Chelsea: Yeah fine, I want a fucking cookie Pony.

Pony: I do not want to stand outside with the dog.

Chelsea: Pony you're standing outside with Obie. It will take two minutes, you'll be fine. It's not even cold out.

Pony: No dude, seriously. I am not standing outside with Obie. Just tie him up outside.

Chelsea: I'm not tying my dog up outside. Just stand outside with him.

Pony: No!

Chelsea: Pony!

Pony: No! Seriously, I am not standing outside with your dog. It's fucking cold.

Chelsea: Whatever dude. I'm not tying him up. I'm not comfortable doing that. Do you see all these cars Pony? Every single one of these cars is a car that could hit Obie.

Pony: Chelsea Keene, these cars are parked. None of them are going to hit Obie.

Chelsea: Dude, just fucking stand outside. I'll buy your fucking homo milk.

Pony: No! Everyone ties up their dog Chelsea, just tie him up right here.

Chelsea: Hell fucking no! I'm not doing it. Please, would you just stand here with him?

Pony: What if he poops?!

Chelsea: He's not gonna poop Pony. I'll give you a bag.

Pony: Let's just take Obie back home and we'll come back here and buy homo milk.

Chelsea: So great, the whole "milk and cookie" experience is over?!

Pony: It was going to be a "milk" and "cookie" experience. There was no "milk and cookie experience."

awwww crap

january was a pretty prolific month at crappy paint art.

hopefully february will be more so.

so get your ass over there and check out the latest stuff.

and leave a comment.

i like comments.

this weekend i...

...spent my drinking money on an oil change and a new cabin air filter. felt responsible - a little too responsible.

...set up an organic veggie taco bar complete with homemade guacamole. the food coma caused me to fall asleep around 11 which everyone took as a cue to leave. sorry everyone.

...didn't get out of bed until 5:30 on sunday. i mean i ate and peed and stuff but i just kept going back to sleep. kinda made me feel tired.

... checked my reader on sunday night while laying in bed and thinking about empire strikes back. as a result it felt like no one was waiting to greet me at work on monday.

and with that i'd like to announce my candidacy for asshole of the year

as if the last post wasn't bad enough, i've also spent most of the day, scratch that, most of the last 6 months at odds with a deaf guy.

i'm totally going to hell.

wishing doom upon the disabled

i had a dream #3 found my myspace page and left me a comment. this was somewhat frightening since i don't usually remember my dreams. the comment was something to the effect of "i didn't know you had a blog".

i'm pretty sure her passive-aggressive ass ratted me out for having the colonel. now i'm sitting here wondering if i have to give my cat away because of her childish inability to speak to someone with a penis. i already apologized once this week for having a y chromosome; i'm not doing it again.

so in the name of releasing a bit of roommate tension, here is my open letter to #3:

i'm sorry you have male issues #3 but that isn't my problem. just because the colonel didn't want to sleep with you isn't reason to try to take him away from me. i mean, none of my friends want to sleep with you, are you going to complain to the landlord about them too? hell, none of your friends want to sleep with you...what are you going to do about that? huh? i know that wishing you would die is like hoping that a person with developmental issues fails a reading test, but i can't help it.

i know words like 'die' and 'kill' are thrown around quite a bit these days, but really, you suck and i hope you keel over. i hope your nightly binge on yellowtail and diet coke leads to acute cirrhosis or better yet a massive brain aneurysm.

just please don't have it in the house because i don't want you to expect sympathy from me in one of those 'we-never-liked-each-other-but-i-held-her-ever-so-gently-as-she-died-in-my-arms' kind of moments. i mean...it's bad enough that i have to feel like crap for hating you in the first place, please don't make me feel like a monster for not comforting you in your last seconds.

no mods, no gasters

why isn't anyone blogging today?

i know everyone tries to avoid blogorrhea but my reader is empty, i'm bored and quite frankly it makes me feel lonely.

if dinosaur comics and xkcd can both manage to put something up today why can't you?

here's to this guy. not only did he buy me an amebix ticket for xmas but he was more than gracious when he handed me a high life and i misread the intent of said handoff, drinking the whole thing.

here's to this lady. we'll be running a 5K next sunday under the moniker "team emotionally unavailable". Being that no one has EVER come out to support us and that we're really going for the gusto this time: it'd be nice if someone would come out and do a little cheer for us.

getting drunk at work

yeah. it's true. but before you freak out know a couple things:

• it was a company sponsored party
• i'm technically not allowed to do any work for the rest of the day on account of the fact that they gave me booze.
• i only drank 3 beers but i drank them really fast so i'm not really drunk but i have a decent buzz
• i rode the bus in today

in my previous occupational experience i never would have considered being so irresponsible. but i work for _____ and they treat people like shit. matter of fact they are widely known for treating people like shit which is why most of the people i work with are, in fact, getting drunk right now and wasting the last 2 hours of their day despite having already taken a 105 minute lunch break. this has lead me to develop a new slogan for _____'s HR department -

_____: because let's face it - there's no where else for you to work.

dreaming of endor

i watched return of the jedi last night for the 104th time in my life.

the yearning to be an ewok only intensifies.

have saddle, will travel

my heart is set on leaving. i'm fighting the temptation to start applying for jobs. there are opportunities in places i want to be but the truth is i'm not ready to leave from a financial standpoint. the other issue is that i wouldn't feel right missing summer in seattle.

it's not so much that i want to leave as much as it that i feel like moving on, trying something else. this is a beautiful place, full of action, culture and no shortage of good people looking to have a good time. but it is also a lonely place, where everyone seems hung up on something that stops them from being happy, myself included

it occurred to me this morning that i'm creeping up on 8 months here. i really do love it here but i want to go before i get that 'second winter' funk that seems to cramp everyones opinion of this place.

if i could i would pack up the car and just drift from place to place. but that isn't in the cards for me. in the alternative perhaps i will just move from city to city until i feel ready to grow roots. because i don't.

seattle has taught me more about myself that i could have ever wanted to know. it's shown me my strengths while shining a great big spotlight on my weaknesses. i wouldn't trade this experience for anything. ANYTHING.

but i am horrified by the idea of having any sense of permanence. maybe this is just some fleeting feeling. maybe i'll be here forever. i don't know. what i do know is that i don't want to sign a lease. i don't want to go to grad school. i don't want to do anything that would stand in the way of me one day dropping everything and heading off somewhere.

are we dead yet?

C: "Sex is an important part of a relationship, right Pony?"
P: "I wanna die"
C: "(censored sex related relationship talk between roommates)...god I want to die"
P: "Can we just die? We won't have to think about moving or relationships..."
C: "...Won't have to pay off our credit cards"
P: "Right! I'm not saying we should kill ourselves, what I'm saying is...let's just die.
Ready?......1, 2, 3 EH! (hand gesture). 1, 2, 3, EH (hand gesture). Why isn't this working?"
(Laughing, Pause)
C: "1, 2, 3 GO!"
(Pause)
C: "Are we dead yet?......This doesn't feel right. This doesn't feel like I'm dead. This feels horrible - like I'm still alive"

untitled

i spent the better part of yesterday wanting to cry. the overwhelming burden of hoping for anything was too much to bear. i was tempted to turn my back on every chance of anything ever being good for me ever again.

this morning i almost cried again when i watched a black man assume the presidency and talk about hope in a way that finally made sense. it's never easy to believe that things will be better, especially when you do nothing to make it happen for yourself.

but today i am willing to face the things i've run from in my life. i am ready to believe. i am ready to stop being afraid and start taking care of business.

a bum once screamed at me: "papa obama gonna take care of you", thus proving that there are situations where only someone who is batshit crazy is capable of making any sense.

p.s. i'm running a marathon

off the list as of 6/27/09.

after that i never want to run again.

sunburn

after a near entire month of cloudy weather, and only seeing the sun twice in two weeks the sun decided to buck the trend and come out in all its force yesterday.

the result was sunday sun-day. i slept until 1:30 not wanting to go outside for a gross fear that sunlight would actually sting, which it kinda did. eventually i went out for a small sunlight adventure. i felt an odd compulsion to smile uncontrollably and it made me sick a little bit.

i got over it.

i can see ranier from the cube today. i don't know how to feel. it's almost like a tease. i know i should just enjoy it for what it is and believe me i will. but should i be ecstatic about two days of sunshine? i think not

here's to looking a gift horse in the mouth.

hydrogen and humiliation

on tuesday i asked the people in my vicinity of cubeland: "when was the last time somebody saw the sun?"

someone said something about it being sunny the day before (which i missed) but i said "no when was the last time you SAW THE SUN?"

no one had an answer.

then the next morning i saw it on the drive in, coming up over the cascades. that was it. i've begun to keep track. i've seen it twice so far this year.

people wear weathering a winter here like a badge of courage. i'm slowly starting to get it.

if my life was a very long series of very bad movies:

the most recent sequel would be titled:

"misanthropy part 472: return to forest of no feelings, once again ... ^sigh^"

(not sure who to credit for the whole 'forest of no feelings' thing, i know alicia's said it but so has anonymous. either way it ain't mine.)

2nd best argument ever

chelsea: pony, you're gonna walk on my back now.
pony: fine. whatever. but you need to put your arms at your side.
chelsea: ok....actually pony i'm gonna put my arms up here. that's what i always do.
pony: you have to have your arms at your sides or you don't relax the back muscles. i'm not gonna break your back.
chelsea: pony, just fucking walk on my back already.
pony: fine
chelsea: ok, do it here.
pony: (stands on chelsea's back and shimmys) there
chelsea: ok now a little higher
pony: (stands and shmmys again) ok. that's it.
chelsea: ok now just a little higher. there's a spot right here.
pony: dude, i am not standing on your fucking spine!
chelsea: pony!
pony: you want me to paralyze you?
chelsea: just one more time pony. right there.
pony: (stands and shimmys reluctantly) ok...i'm fucking done!
chelsea: ok now see if you can get just a little bit higher. just one more time.
pony: NO! dude! you can't just keep saying 'one more time'!
chelsea: what i need is a child.
pony: what you need is a small japanese woman whose job it is to stand on your back all day.

my ding-a-ling

when i'm in public and i realize my zipper is down i look around real quick to see if anyone has seen my junk. once established that no one has in fact seen my hey-hey, i zip up without shame.

i know.
worst post ever.

damn you portland!

who do you think you are? stranding my entertainment like that. feel fucking lucky that i don't want to wade down there....

your mom is a pipe bomb

tonight shall be magical.

got that night? be magical or else.

good ol' irish guilt

• my boss has a habit of telling her employees how rad they are, myself included. i have yet to gather the heart to tell her how wrong she really is.


• i steal cigarettes from #3 and use her face wash. i do so with great spite and righteousness.


• i've lost the angsty edge which drove me to drink excessively and get verbally punchy. i feel like ive gone soft and am disappointing my friends.


• i've never cheated frenchy or anonymous while playing risk. i hate myself for it.


• the colonel is lonely and i need to clean his litter box. i'll probably just throw it all away and start over. in my defense he really does poop a lot and is quite needy.


• when the company i worked for instituted a no-smoking policy, they probably thought they would increase my productivity or that i would eventually quit smoking. instead i just take much longer breaks.


• i fall asleep in meetings. actually i fall asleep in EVERY meeting.

just when you thought you had enough porn

larry flynt comes along to tell you how repressed you are...

get behind me

if i said what i was thinking, even if i did so tongue-in-cheek most people would take it more seriously than it should be taken. but if i don't than it'll bother me to no end. some days i just want to delete this damn thing. spend my time making horrible drawings in paint with sardonic captions that only a handful of malcontents actually appreciate and even fewer truly understand.

sometimes i just want to drive my car into a guard rail. then i remember i'm behind on my insurance payments.

this one's for you chowderhead

• bullshit
• bullshit
• bullshit
• self-deprecation
• bullshit
• wild exaggeration
• bullshit
• bullshit
• story about some ridiculous thing i did, mainly for the sake of being able to blog about it
• bullshit

eh? eh? eh?

daily affirmation of snobbery

why is it that 'masculine' is not listed in the 'mood' section of myspace status messages? if 'horny' can be listed as an option why didn't anyone over at viacom forsee the fact that i might one day feel secure, perhaps even joyous at the fact that i have testicles?

i've also become way too good for bigelow, but too poor to bring my own tea to work. ohhh the dilemma...

ungrateful bastard

i know that living in seattle means i'm supposed to revel in the fact that the sun is out and just be thankful for the fact that i might have some slight relief from my vitamin d deficiency. but as a seattlite i have to be surly and bitter about everything and therefore i am just annoyed by the brightness of the fucking thing.

in other news its possible that the massive volcano that is yellowstone national park will have a super-eruption thereby seriously threatening the planets ability to support life by blocking out the sun for a long period of time - resulting in: global cooling, massive crop failures and everyone being as unhappy as everyone in the northwest.

just kidding. well....kinda

Happy new year

Epic, originally uploaded by The Tiefling™.

on the bus

"aint spose' have that guacamole no more"
"why's that?"
"I dunno"